Just to set the record straight, in case some of you live in caves (or Jurong, as the Noose crew would put it), the Avengers aren’t a troop of bloodthirsty ex-girlfriends desperate to get laid. Neither are they a bunch of fed-up superhuman SMRT passengers who have decided to take matters into their own hands after our Transport Minister deemed perpetual train disruptions “unavoidable”.
If, however, the mention of ex-girlfriends and sulking commuters instantly conjures an image of your office to mind, then the analogy isn’t lost. Here’s all you’ll ever need to know about the practical application of comic book superhero characters to real life at the office. Read on to find out which one of them best describes you at work!
1. Iron Man
Yes, his suits are freshly pressed and ironed, and female colleagues flock to him like he’s the only box of chocolates left at the pantry, but he’s too busy founding an Internet start-up during the weekends to care. This is the man everyone wants to befriend, since he’ll become a billionaire before most of us have children. Office ladies are just too mainstream for him. After all, some supermodel’s probably at his Orchard Road penthouse waiting to oil his machine.
2. Captain America
He’s the ultimate Singaporean who supports every government policy and still refuses to sell his SMRT Corp Ltd shares off; the kind that gets featured on HDB posters and courtesy campaigns. His patriotism is so deadly, a Singapore flag is draped over his Liverpool one. Come August, you know he’ll be the one asking the entire office for tickets to the National Day Parade - again. Blessed with unparalleled intelligence and penetrative judgment, he adamantly prefers Kit Chan over Beyonce, Dick Lee over Mozart, and I Not Stupid over The Shawshank Redemption. (We all prefer Lee Kuan Yew over Hitler, don’t worry.)
3. The Hulk
Unfazed by Iron Man, this big guy also has a few tricks up his tight, bicep-strangling sleeve. As he enters the office each morning, every mascara-ed pair of eyes bats in his direction. Nope, it’s not that he’s sour about missing a promotion and has turned green with envy. It’s the fact that he wears shirts three sizes too small, which is the closest any man can get to nudity at the office. What’s the Hulk without a ripped bod and nudity? Just the average green man flashing at the traffic junction.
Imagine it’s Monday morning and you’re stuck in a meeting with some burly, unshaven Director with dreadlocks like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. He proceeds to raise, at measured intervals, a laser pointer at the projector screen as if to remind us that Singapore is a little red dot which has come so far. The real fright comes when he aims that weapon right at you, the red dot glinting on your business shirt, and asks for your opinion. He doesn’t let you go that easily, too. You’d spend the next half-hour introducing, to the entire board, new strategies and recommendations to increase performance targets. What a Thor-turous start to the week.
5. Black Widow
Being the only female waddling in a sweaty swamp of guys indicates she is either an engineer or an engineer’s secretary. But don’t get caught in her web of deceit. This 60-year-old spinster at the corner of the office has enough venom to make even the most senior executive in the firm think twice before asking her out for lunch. Nevertheless, she’s a die-hard romantic on the inside—a black widow waiting for her Spiderman to get her legs in a tangle.
The most inconspicuous yet alert of the entire motley, he’s able to locate the bosses from more than a kilometre away, minimising Facebook and Pinball tabs as they come closer. Then, at the most opportune time when the distance between him and his targets is optimum, he’ll type furiously on the keyboard, cringing his face in distress while muttering sacrificially-sounding catch phrases like, “What, another report due Friday? Can’t accompany Ah Ma to the hospital already lah.” Come on, we all know workplace productivity is proportional to how loudly you smash fingers into the keyboard; at least when your boss is near. (Only because you need to be real delicate when playing Pinball!)
So, what’s your verdict? Don’t forget to ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ this Marvel-lous article with your friends and colleagues. But be extra careful with the black widows. We all know Hell hath no Nick Fury like a woman scorned.