If a nation is compared to a by-election crammed with Disney-style rhetoric, then her cultural heritage would be as precious as the vote of a Hougang resident. What heritage, you ask, can Singapore possibly claim ownership over? Even Vitagen and Yakult have more culture than us.

Contrary to the irrelevance of social studies textbooks and Merlion postcards, the most significant aspect of Singaporean identity lies in our nation’s notorious educational institutions. For the first time in Singapore history, an analysis of these age-old stereotypes shall be conducted, and matched to job opportunities.

 

1.      Raffles
Renowned as the informal breeding ground for PSC scholars and politicians, Rafflesians seem to fill the ranks of government like foreigners in the MRT—an overwhelming majority. Their pristine exterior usually belies a more threatening and calculative personal agenda. After all, they’re aptly named after the world’s smelliest flower—the Rafflesia. In spite of this affiliation with body odour, Rafflesians are hot properties with head hunters and aunties at the market. Also, a large number of them are polyglots, since they’ve been exposed to a Latin motto from a tender age (just ‘cause English is too mainstream).

Possible Jobs: Politician (only the ones dressed like ghosts), Gahmen’s Yes Man, Dictator, Translator

 2.      Anglo-Chinese School
Playboy. Sportsman. Homosexual. Aside from these epithets being the top three aspirations of male youths today, they have been generously utilised to describe an ACS boy. Our local equivalent of posh American and British prep schools, ACS prides herself on athletic excellence, a successful IB programme and air-conditioned classrooms. Even teachers, especially those who moonlight as bloggers, are dumbfounded with the charm of ACS boys. Rich, handsome, funny, gentlemanly and stylish. All the qualities of the perfect boyfriend, no matter your gender.

Possible Jobs: Businessman (i.e. Sugar Daddy), Lawyer, A&F Model, Gay Activist

 
3.      Hwa Chong
The closest communism can get to establishing its presence in a democracy, Hwa Chong produces some of the country’s most outstanding and uninteresting people. Yes, their students are eloquently bilingual and spearhead the bell curve in Oxbridge universities, but this is not achievement enough to make the school administration recall brown uniforms. Saving grace? Their uncanny ability to snag Nanyang Girls—though we still can’t decide if that’s a compliment.

Possible Jobs: Speak Mandarin Campaign Ambassador, Wushu Instructor, SAF Chiefs, YES 93.3 FM DJs


4.     
Catholic Junior College
The most fervent supporter of our government’s child development schemes, this school is purportedly lauded for the highest student pregnancy rates in the country. Conveniently clad in blue, it’s high time CJC students be considered by the Workers’ Party for use in a campaign to raise Singapore’s Total Fertility Rate (TFR). We recommend Justin Bieber’s hit single Baby for the campaign soundtrack.

Possible Jobs: Opposition MP, Childcare Supervisor, Nanny, Gynaecologist


5.     
International Schools
More frequently spotted at Butter Factory than in class, international school kids are either pampered children of expats or Singaporeans who can’t make it into a good local school and have cash to spare. Aside from their indiscernibly pretentious accents and skirts as short as SMRT’s accident-free record, these overgrown toddlers know how to have a good time (with or without happy endings). They’ll be your passport to free entries at clubs, fashion events and the occasional court hearing.

Possible “Jobs”: (removed due to PG rating of article)

 

After such competent analysis, it’ll be a pity if the Singapore Tourism Board doesn’t market school stereotypes as an extension of its hilarious Uniquely Singapore campaign.